Life Lessons Four: How To Be Successful
Posted on November 12, 2008 - Filed Under culture |
The last of the regular back page column I did for Snowboard Canada in 2007/2008 under the banner of “Life Lessons.”
Life Lessons # 4: How To Be Successful
by Jeff Beer
So far in our journey down the road of Life Lessons, we’ve addressed three key principles to lead a happy, luxurious and relatively facial hair injury-free lifestyle in snowboarding. Now it’s time to look into the mirror, deep into your eyes, past the redness, that mystery shiner and probably a good amount of shame, to see what you can do to usher in an era of yet-unseen success.
One peek into your local bookshop and it’s obvious that advice is easy to come by. Titles guaranteeing everything from stock market success to unfettered access to the mind of the opposite sex line the shelves. One of the most popular of these self-help tomes is The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen Covey. Since its publication in 1990, the book has sold more than 10 million copies and been widely celebrated for its conceptual approach, rather than looking for the quick fix. This is obviously a mistake. Sure, 10 million copies is nothing to shake a much-bejeweled finger at, but what if you want your success right away?
I recently took a few minutes to skim Dr. Covey’s book and have since devised a superior plan tailored specifically for the snowboarding lifestyle. I call it The 4 Habits of Very Highly Successful and Luxurious People (Snowboard Edition). Why waste your time reading a whole book of seven habits when you can get what you need in a few expertly worded sentences on four? Exactly.
Create An Image
Every great person who ever lived had a quickly identifiable image. John D. Rockefeller? Rich. The Queen? Royally rich. Shaun White? Tomato-topped sponsor magnet. Richard Simmons? Prancing ninny. Whatever it is, it’s an image. In advertising-speak, you are your own brand and when people think of you they should be able to identify your strengths in less than five words. (Try to avoid bloated, fecal, tool, odorous, tit mouse and condescending — separately or any combination thereof.)
Live The Image
Once you’ve chosen an image, you must live your life in that image to the letter. If you’ve selected “generous genius” you must begin devoting money and time to friends and charitable causes — help a buddy move furniture, teach small children to read, walk orphaned animals that are missing body parts — it all helps. Then you must quickly master theoretical cosmology, microbiology, the collected works of Joyce, Faulkner and Grisham, as well as the Rubik’s Cube. If you’ve selected “political pundit” you must immediately begin drinking large amounts of corn whisky and bathing in your own filth. Either way, full image absorption is a must.
Lies That Aren’t Really Lies
No one ever became successful without bending the truth. It’s the lying that makes the world go round. Anybody who’s ever told you different? Pants on fire. If this wasn’t the case simple daily affairs would be slowed to a standstill while people stopped to take the time to actually think about “how they are today” and “how they really feel” before answering these usually quick questions. No one really needs to hear these answers. When someone asks you how you’re doing, you just want to say “Not much” and move on. Lying is everywhere. Take a quick glance at any snowboard related catalog. Boards, boots, bindings, outerwear, thermals — they always find new and exciting ways to twist and contort the word “technology.” Socks are socks, but we’ll all still buy those that are “specially designed” to make our feet more comfy in the boots, right? Ultrafit technology? For the love of Buddha, they’re socks.
Within interpersonal and business type relationships, when someone asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, always talk in circles until you’ve pretzeled the issue so completely that everyone has forgotten what the original question was. For helpful hints, please refer to any election debate or any between-period interview on Hockey Night in Canada. Ultimately, this skill will exhibit your linguistic agility and enhance your ability to bend the minds of others to your will.
Consequences Be Damned
If we’ve learned anything from our political and business leaders it is the crucial lesson of never admitting mistake or defeat. Make your choice and stick with it. If you think baseless bindings, pink jacket fur and chaps-like snowboard pants are the next big shred trends, go for it with wild abandon and don’t look back. Anything less than full commitment will label you a feeble-minded weakling. In the words of some very successful person, “It is better to fail spectacularly than to have not tried at all.”
So there you have it. Success is yours for the taking. And not just that I-feel-good-about-myself-and-am-happy-with-my-life sort of success, but the real kind with money and fur and empty accolades from well-dressed strangers. But be forewarned, she can be a cruel and unusual mistress that will take you down by the short and curlies in an instant if you smite her. There are almost too many examples to list of those that once lived so high but fell so low. The last thing you want to do is end up like Bald Britney or the Polkaroo.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go walk my neighbour’s two-legged cat that’s missing an eye.
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