Life Lessons: How To Be Classy
Posted on November 8, 2008 - Filed Under culture |
This was the first edition of a regular back page column I did for Snowboard Canada in 2007/2008 under the banner of “Life Lessons.” None of these had much at all to do with snowboarding, but what the hell.
Life Lessons # 1: How To Be Classy (And Still Slide Sideways)
by Jeff Beer
When the editors of this fine publication asked me to pen a column aimed to impart nuggets of wisdom on their fair readership, I was faced with the daunting task of deciding just which nuggets they were referring to.
It took me days, literally days, to answer their inquiry. How can one narrow such a vast ocean of knowledge? Finally, drunk and missing a shoe, an answer presented itself. If there is one thing I would like to enlighten others about, it would have to be How To Kill A Rabid Goat With Your Bare Hands In Complete Darkness. While carefully considered and acknowledged as an important skill, this topic was politely rejected. And so here we are.
The subject we are left with is the acquisition and image of class, commonly known in societal terms as the hierarchical distinctions between individuals, groups or cultures. In many nations, the idea of high class is traditionally tied to the ownership of gargantuan piles of gold, diamonds and fur, and perhaps an overzealous penchant for marrying one’s own relatives. But in these modern times of refrigerated food and the interweb, things have evolved to a certain degree. It is here a distinction is drawn between labels such as “upper class” and “working class” and simply one’s ability to be or appear “classy.” I will address the latter.
Snowboarding is a pastime that occurs primarily at ski resorts. Ski resorts are built to provide winter leisure for those who own Land Rovers and adorn themselves in gold, diamonds and fur. In order for the average self-subsisting snowboarder to survive in such lavish environs, it is common to labour as a bartender, lift operator or scullery maid. These circumstances, among others, result in snowboarders taking on a so-called “low class” reputation. This label has often been embraced and held as a badge of honor, most notably during the infamous Dirtbag Parades of the mid-1990s. But just because snowboarders fancy themselves the cooler underdog of ski resort society, it is no excuse to not exude a certain amount of class. Even if you begrudge those who strut around in gold, diamonds and fur, it’s important to know the mysterious ways of the rich and classy. Why? Well, in the words of the immortal Jack Donaghy, “The Italians have a saying: ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’ And although they’ve never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.”
The idea of being classy can be exuded through three separate but equally vital facets of life: Education, Wardrobe and Dining. Neither is more important than the other, but we recommend being versed in all three, just in case. Contrary to popular belief, it is not actually that difficult to fake being classy, especially within a short time frame — a dinner with a love interest’s parents, a job interview or trading vodka shots with complete strangers in the base lodge.
Education is the cornerstone of any classy individual. But as anyone from Albert Einstein to Burt Reynolds can tell you, Life is the real university. World travel, woodworking, retail sales and amateur Greco-Roman wrestling are all fine substitutes for a secondary education. Yet the only actual way to become well read remains, astonishingly, to read more books. If that proves impossible, it’s a good idea to always have a selection of leather-bound novels laying about your home. Prominent display of a reading monocle, a Calabash pipe and perhaps a smoking jacket made of rare Bulgarian silk will also help reinforce to any visitors your alleged love and unending knowledge of classic literature.
Wardrobe and one’s personal style play a large part in both snowboarding culture and the act of being classy. But while you may know which fitted cap brings the colour out in each pair of your skate shoes, there are times — God, forbid — that more formal attire is in order. Whether it be the prom, a court date or Thanksgiving dinner at 24 Sussex Drive, it’s important to know what to wear and how to wear it. At best, you’ll be seen as a king among men and be rewarded with gold, diamonds and fur. At worst, you’ll be taken out back and beaten with old muskrat pelts whilst laughing children douse you in sour milk.
Ladies, the ol’ Little Black Dress always seems to work out just fine. No one knows why, it’s pretty technical. Gentlemen, suits should not fit like jeans and t-shirts. Baggy suits don’t make you look cool, they make you look like a small person dressed in big person’s clothes. Ties are often used for personal expression — a simple necktie is understated and businesslike, an ascot can be a sign of leisure, while a brightly coloured bowtie smacks of pungent douchebaggery. For helpful visual references of formal dress, please see JFK, Steve McQueen or any James Bond film (with the exception of any starring Timothy Dalton and those last few with Roger Moore, obviously).
When it comes to food, menu choice in the fine dining arena can say a lot about one’s level of class. One false move and you could be pegged as a mouth-breathing degenerate bent on crime and general lunacy. To avoid this, always order the most expensive, most exotic item on the menu. Always. Be it the brains of a preteen colobus monkey or a simple breaded veal cutlet, this act demonstrates to all present that your appetite for fine food equals your desire for justice and marathon lovemaking. Even at a chain restaurant like Kelseys or Earls, be sure to summon the waiter and inquire loudly whether they have any fresh foie gras and if so, you’d like to confirm the goose was treated humanely. Failing that, demand the spinach in the spinach dip is fresh and that the waiter address you as Captain. In terms of alcohol, verse yourself in the ways of whisky and red wine. Both will make you funnier and better looking. But they, too, can be a cruel mistress and leave you penniless and nude on municipal property. So, beware of that.
If class is about anything it’s a quiet confidence in one’s actions and decisions. Because if you can’t bath yourself in gold, diamonds and fur, you may as well act like you might someday.
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