Life Lessons: Guide to Personal Grooming
Posted on November 12, 2008 - Filed Under culture |
And now, the third edition of the regular back page column I did for Snowboard Canada in 2007/2008 under the banner of “Life Lessons.” As you can see by the headline, I was attempting to perform a major public service.
Life Lesson # 3: How To Groom
by Jeff Beer
For more than a few reasons, the issue of body grooming is a fairly delicate subject. It isn’t just a trim of the groin trees and off you go. No, my hairy disgusting friend, it’s about personal maintenance to ensure your body is both healthy and safe enough to guide you into old age and eventually, death.
Obviously we don’t have the time, space or patience to discuss every month of the body groom calendar here. (Balls, for instance.) That said, there are three areas of personal grooming that can not only affect one’s relationship with humanity at large but more important, interfere with the ability to snowboard. We begin with everyone’s favourite topic of dinner conversation — toenails.
Long menacing toenails resembling foot machetes are a significant danger to both oneself and others, and not only in a shared bed or public swimming pool. Though, let’s be clear — no one wants to wake up, alone or in the company of a fetching stranger, with shins bloodied and scraped as if they spent countless hours playing tickle the nipple monkey with a rabid alley cat. For snowboarding, the consequences go much further. You’ve spent a good deal of time and money picking out your boots — be it for color, lacing system or general fit. Elongated foot claws will throw your carefully calibrated boot fit off just enough to cause you both physical pain and impede your balance. Though rarely reported, it’s a known fact that 46 percent of bails shown in snowboard videos occur when the rider has neglected his toenails. It’s the dirty little secret of filming, but it happens. To avoid this, I recommend taking a pair of standard issue nail clippers and attending to your feet every week. Two weeks, tops. Any more than that and you’re standing at the border of sock-tear country.
Our second topic is skin. Your skin is like a majestic animal’s pelt — without all the fur and, possibly, mange— protecting and keeping all your various organs and fluids from spilling out onto the sidewalk. This is an important function for obvious reasons. Between the sun’s UV rays, aging and general wear and tear, your skin takes a horrific beating. So it’s important to moisturize as much as possible. Hell, try a mud mask. Ideally, you should be as slick as an ocean otter for most of the waking day. By keeping your entire body lubed at all times you can avoid resembling an old football when you’re 65 and instead sport the body surface of a tall, well-spoken third grader.
With all that cold air, strong wind and high-five slapping, snowboarding puts an even greater strain on your skin. Years spent riding can turn your face into a weathered catcher’s mitt before you hit 30. A little moisturizer and sunscreen — with special attention to the forehead and around the eyes — can help you repel your face’s natural instinct for turning into a saggy, haggard prune. That same lube mentality should be applied to feet in order to help avoid cracked soles, alligator foot or a rancid case of gangrene.
The third topic, and perhaps most dangerous, is facial hair. While a certain style or length of face shrubbery can add a different dimension to any man or woman’s look, it is important to respect the fine line between stylish and safety. For every JF Pelchat, who combines a bold and smooth riding style with a penchant for stache sculptures somewhere between “Walrus Biker In Prison” and Teddy Roosevelt, there is an unreported multitude of facial hair-related snowboard injuries every season. A beard or mustache that extends beyond the natural borders of the face is a hazard to both the bearded and their loved ones. Risks include getting a beard snagged in a chair lift safety bar and/or jacket zippers (yours and other’s), and the unwelcome molestation of drinks and food by rogue whiskers. No one wants a stranger’s beard dunked in their fresh pint of beer as they cross a crowded barroom. This, often, leads to unbridled violence. A good guideline to follow: If you hold your hands vertically and touch the edge of your ears, your facial hair shouldn’t touch your palms. Also, avoid anything resembling a chinstrap beard. While not so much a safety concern, it will make you look like a dodgy muppet with style herpes.
Remember, hygienic safety only becomes an issue if you let it. As my old colleague Hobo Rick used to say, “Take care of your feet and teeth and the rest of the world is gravy.” Of course, the man had a beard that smelled of cat urine so y’know … grain of salt.
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